Surly post coming on. I'm feeling a tension that I have to vent about some more (more than the long conversation I just had with Gabe). To some of you left-brainers (read: organized since birth, focused, efficient, unswerving, logical, orderly, methodical) this post will confuse and confound you even more about my kind (read: flexible, random, artistic, indecisive, emotional, unhurried).
To preface, this evening was the last art show of the school year. It's kind of the pinnacle for the art programs in our district. High school students "compete" for college scholarships. It's the cream of the crop, the best of the best, pick of the litter, creme de la creme, etc., etc.. It's a k-12 show in a real gallery, with actual frames and mats and wire on the back. Teachers bring the finest art their students have created during the school year, so needless to say, for an art teacher, it's a great show. (side note: one of my 8th graders had a conversation with one of the college recruiters admiring her piece and was given some tips about creating a digital portfolio and how to prepare for art school--she was beaming. I was so proud of her :)
I was completely impressed with many of the high-schoolers art. Some amazing talent! I was inspired... and convicted. By the time I walked out the door, I was emotionally pounding myself done to the ground. I love art. I love to be around art. I love to make art. I almost never make art. Why don't I make more art? Why is there this thing that I love to do, that I get completely lost in, this thing that makes me oblivious to the constructs of time and space, this thing that I almost never do? I spend my weekdays devising and facilitating ways for large groups of kids to make art, and yet, when I get home I don't follow suit.
Doesn't it make logical sense that a person would do what they love to do? What is wrong with me? Through talking with G I think I've come to the sorry truth that I've been lazy. I've honestly, though subconsciously, been waiting for the inspiration lightning bolt to strike. I've thought what place do I have making uninspired art? There's enough bad art in the world, I don't want to contribute to the stock pile of tasteless, tacky, kitsch in the world. Therefore, if there's no bolt, there's no art. Saying it out loud, and typing it in black and white, I see how lazy and presumptuous it is to think that way.
I know there are people (hi Brooke G. ;) who self-admittedly don't "get" art. There are a lot of people that don't understand what the big deal is. You're wondering why I'm making such a fuss and writing such a seemingly endless post. Some of you understand where I'm coming from and (hopefully) have been here (and will offer some wise words). What is the deal with wanting to do something, and not doing it day after day? What's the solution? Here is where you left-brainers are rolling your eyes, thinking, "Just do that thing. How hard is that? What's the problem?" I don't know. Your wise words would probably prove helpful, too, so lay 'em on me. Please.
Right-brainers: How do you break through creative blocks?
How do you motivate yourself to work?
Left-brainers: How are you so productive?
How do you avoid procrastination?
Any of your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I genuinely look forward to what any and all of you have to say.
10 comments:
brooke, i think this is my favorite post of yours so far- mainly because i felt like in reading it i connected with your heart. and being far away i miss that. so thank you for your openness.
i have a few thoughts...the first is - in my perspective you live your life in an artistic way - i think about your house, furniture you make, amazing presents you give, this blog, etc... the way you love people by creatively thinking thoughtful questions to ask and the attention/intention to listen fully to the answer. i appreciate all of these things about you. in my mind your life is full of art. so i hope you allow yourself to breathe in some grace. because from my vantage point you are constantly creating art.
second thought - you seem to function well at "organized" stuff in a set-up system with accountability. what would it look like and how would it feel to set aside a few hours a week to sit down and create? or to go to places that inspire you? if you don't want to art to feel forced then i would fill your life so much with things that inspire you that you can't help but to create.
those are my thoughts. love u.
ps. gabe loves you too. i echo whatever he said. :)
Thanks, Kristi :) I had a dream about you last night. You and Tim "stopped by" for a quick visit (which is impressive coming from Jeruselem and all) and I hugged you and said I missed you. Gabe was in the shower (in my dream) the whole time. Too bad for him!
Thanks for your kind words and advice. Love you, too!
I'm sorry I can't write more at this time but I remember as a child you would always make lists to support the reason you should be allowed to do something or a list with the pros and cons regarding an issue that was troubling you. Like you said, seeing it down in black and white makes it something that must be dealt with in some manner, not just wished away. I so agree with Kristi's perspective of your whole life is your art. Your art may be more in your future when you aren't distracted by the busy life you live right now, this print making endevor was great I think, can't wait to see more of that. Love you baby, MOM xoxo
Aww, thanks mom :)
Well, this is indeed a topic close to my heart. I have felt this way many many times. I used to devote hours on end to art work. It does feel fantastic.
I do not have a full time job and yet Maizie is a full time job and I am tired a lot. So....my art has become my camera and working in photoshop daily. That is certainly not enough for me though. I too beat myself up for not painting, doing mixed media and the list goes on. I don't have the time for it. The interruptions are constant and I am assuming the same can be said for your life with teaching. You have many many children that you are teaching and that is tiring. When you get home art may be the last thing you have the energy to do. My friends who teach talk of feeling similar to what you write here.
It is funny that no one is pressuring us to produce art. We put all the pressure on ourselves. I finally had to accept that there are seasons in life and this is not my season to be a part time or even full time artist. So, I squeeze in my creativity and artwork every chance I get but it is not the same as before I had a child. It is not that feeling where the world disappears as I create. I guess that is life. A more grown up world of art and production has seeped in.
I do think I will get back to that mode in the future. If I am so fortunate in my life. Meanwhile I am creating quite the extensive body of photographs and some digital work that I keep private. I have not felt the energy to get out and show and sell work. I can't imagine how I would do that right now with M. I used to beat myself up for that too.
I always used to say that "creating art" is like "having sex". Both are something you love doing and they keep you healthy and happy and make you feel creative and wonderful. But, as life moves in and things get busy your mind takes over and both sex and art become more like a chore and it gets put off while seemingly more "important things" take over.
Suddenly it seems harder and harder to have sex or create art but once you just move forward and do it you are thinking, "Oh my God...why am I not doing this every day?!" That is more the thinking when in an artistic slump. Which does indeed happen to me as well. In regards to wanting everything to be great...that just is not going to happen. You just have to keep making art and practicing. Just like sex, not every time is going to be mind blowing.
There is a book you may like called
Art & Fear
by David Bayles (Author), Ted Orland (Author)
My friend Cindy gave it to me to read once. Touches on this topic.
this post hit close to home for me. i feel like i could have written it myself. i have had this feeling pretty much off and on since graduating from college. there were no more assignments to complete, i wasn't surrounded by the creative people in my classes and at home (I had this amazingly talented roommate at one time who was incredibly inspiring), i no longer had access to the facilities that i had grown accustom to, and the list goes on.
this may sound incredibly ridiculous but i feel like a big part of why i stopped creating art wasn't because i lacked inspiration but because i was scared. scared of failing, scared people would like what i was creating, scared i wouldn't like what i was creating, and again the list goes on. it's almost like if i didn't have people in the art world telling me that my art was worthwhile then my art wouldn't be worthwhile. this feeling of fear combined with my ability to put things off until the end of time has basically made it possible for me to stop creating art all together. like you, this is something that i am trying to remedy.
i know i haven't seen you in a while but the brooke i know is inspired by everything around her so i'm not sure the lightning bolt is what you're missing. you're like a freakin' lightning rod. I think you may have a similar mixture of procrastination and fear. i remember you being able to put things off with the best of them. and the fact that you're worried about creating bad art shows that you have some fears about it.
you just have to figure out how to get past your fear and harness the inspiration that you see everyday. i have some ideas but we'll have to talk this one out because no one wants to hear about an art assignment.
Ca Ca, you're sweet and I really miss being near you.
I thought I had missed my chance to comment but I see you are still receiving them. . . I know you are an extremely creative woman but I also know you are busy with a full time teaching position and the prep that takes, time enjoyed at home and with Gabe, involvement in church, keeping up with friendships, etc. Whew!
You have used your creativity often for gifts for others. I'm wondering what it would be like if you think of your creativity for yourself and just your benefit, not necessarily something others will critique or even see. An outlet after a busy day, a way to express a light hearted mood, or deeper thoughts and feelings, in any medium you choose??
Maybe if you take it one step at a time - for now begin to discern what form of creativity most appeals to you, make plans, dream, set a time to begin and just enjoy the anticipation of it for whatever time you need. Also, I have found that if my "projects" are easily accessible that I enjoy staying with them, getting back to them regularly.
Just a few thoughts. You have a lot of wise friends! Love your heart and am grateful for your God-given creativity!
Vickie
This is a really good post! i have to agree with all the comments! i feel this exact way with writing. I love to write and always say it is something i'm passionate about, and yet i always find myself complaining to Tim that i never do it anymore. Sometimes i think it's because i use to write when i was emotional about something or whatever, and lately my life, for the most part is pretty even keel and i don't get those bursts of inspiration i use to. are you like that? maybe the inspiration is missing?
i don't have any advice really because i don't know how to get past these problems. but i agree with the comments posted. very insightful...unlike this one!
Thank you Vickie and Melissa. More helpful thoughts and suggestions I'm grateful for. You all are so smart :)
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